Ah, the horrors of Zoom dating! Of video calling someone who you aren’t intimately familiar with. I’ve always abhorred calling people who are not close friends because of my anxiety over the dreaded awkward pauses, the gaps in silence that seem to stretch on for eternity, eternally dooming the budding friendship. Okay, I’m unnecessarily extrapolating here, but the point is, I was very nervous for video calling S.
Fall semester is over, and as we are on opposite coasts, there is no possibility of seeing each other for the next two months unless we leverage the modern technology available to us. We’ve casually FaceTimed a couple times since we’ve left campus, but officially had a “Zoom date” (in reality, we FaceTimed, but FaceTime date doesn’t have the same ring to it) two nights ago, a relaxing Sunday evening made even more relaxing with our wine of choice (white, of course).
With our respective Chardonnay and Riesling lubricating our conversation, I definitely felt like we were more open with each other. I mean, I always feel like I am open, most likely too open for my own good as I end up exposing facets of myself early on that I probably shouldn’t, but I felt a degree of vulnerability from S that I previously haven’t seen.
We want to introduce our friends to each other (!!) and discussed when we first matched on Tinder. I confessed I was surprised to see her on Tinder, not because she gives off straight vibes but because it’s disconcerting in general to see someone that you (barely) know from class on a dating platform. It lends an uncomfortable real edge to Tinder. Anyway, S told me that she wasn’t surprised to see me because I had matched with her close friend (also from the same class). And then she thought that because I had matched with her friend, I might also match with her, which was exactly what occurred. This admission set off giddy sparks in me because I didn’t know that she was interested me from the onset and because it affirmed her continuing interest (because still I oscillate between does-she-like-me or does-she-not-like-me internal debates). Also, on our first date, I mentioned that she should keep the date (and my identity) on the DL as I hadn’t told anybody about my sexuality yet, so S briefly (I hope) thought that I might be one of those people “experimenting.”
We ended up both being moderately tipsy, and S witnessed my Asian glow. But my fears about video calls were allayed because we talked at ease for 5 1/2 hours (which still doesn’t beat my best friend’s record of video calling her Hinge beau, who she had never called before and had only matched with a couple days prior, for 8 hours. She is a unique phenomenon though)!!
I can’t help feeling though that there is all this time being invested in whatever is happening between us for it to head nowhere. My friends keep telling me to Go With The Flow, which I am, but the flow is streaming towards a dam and I want to avoid the dam. All of which is to say, this dating/talking limbo we are in is wearying, but at the same time, I know that we must stay stagnant in this limbo because this two-month winter break doesn’t allow for any other possibility. For now though, I’ll allow myself to be swept along by the Flow.